The Chaff

Perseverance 2

Creature of habit that I am ...........here pictured ready to go if the people of NSW need me . Another year , another pair of Blundstones .

Ok so they've picked an attractive intelligent woman over me . Fair enough really ! I wish Kristina Keneally well .

If I had my time over , I would have gone to World Youth Day instead of the latest Rave . 

Country Matters

One of our finest sent me the link of Country Matters where there was a segment on Manildra . I couldn't help but remember Brunners memo where he speculated on the acting capabilities of Manildra personnel appearing in this clip .

Like him for example ! Now John may fancy himself as a Manildran George Clooney but let me be the first to tell him not to give up his day job . 

It's amazing how so much filming can translate to three milliseconds of footage .

Well done to Nerida who gave us her best Grace Kelly impersonation also Gue and his arm was wonderful TV . 

John Honan was pretty relaxed in front of the camera , he's done it a hundred times before .

He gets the Oscar ( my name and number are in the office somewhere , as is my account number , just in case .. you know .... maybe ) .

Seriously though without Manildra  the bush might as well close down , nobody to buy the wheat , no food for the stock ........ No blokes at the pub ! 

Beer Drinking World Cup

As World Champions , Manildra has a lot to worry about , with the defection of some crucial players to that unmentionable Mill down South . 

First we had heavyweight drinkers like Draino and Dougo do the bolt and now Badger and Casho are also going for the four per cent . 

Suddenly their beer drinking capacity is looking quite formidable and if only their Coach wasn't such a part time tippler , they would be unbeatable . 

Luckily myself and Muldoon are still on the Manildra team and all is not lost . We might have to get Leroy back and we could still be contenders . 

Management are not helping matters either with the proposed drug and alcohol testing . How are the boys supposed to train when they are worried about being over the limit for the next morning . We didn't win the last Beer Drinking World Cup by being sober . 

Of course I'm joking , I don't drink all the time , sometimes I ride my bike !  But again ,  we have lost good riders to that den of iniquity in the south . The MMRT is looking thin . Fatarse is going to have to start cycling again ....."  And Paul and Jason , Spongy as well . 

Because mark my words as soon as we are allowed to mention Young we are going to go down there and whip their arse at cycling , beer drinking and whatever else we can think of .

As for flour milling we've got that covered .

A Chance Of A Lifetime

With the recent turn of events we are witnessing an extremely rare opportunity . A tilt at the top job . That's right the job has to be advertised right ?  There will be interviews , everyone can have a go !

We couldn't possibly employ an outside candidate in this economic climate . Could we ?

The top job would be worth a few Packer positions I would imagine . Furthermore to save money we could get a bargain basement applicant from within the Mill .

I'm going for it for sure , I thought I'd have to wait till I was geriatric to have a run at the top job but here I am ideally placed .

I feel  my preparation for the top job is unsurpassed . The main talent for this position requires one to do what they are told . I am great at this and Dick would have no worries there . If Dick wants to shout at me , that's fine too . I've been trained in that area when I was in the Packers . The Dougos employ advanced psychological techniques so I'm to speed with all that .

Sometimes I need a nap in the afternoon but otherwise I'm ok with the hours .

I'll have to fend off Paul Adams and Mick Reynolds and other pretenders but I reckon I have their measure . Muldoon might have a crack too . He's ambitous but I'm more worried about Ron Crago . What if Neville Yeightman makes a comeback  ?  It's going to be tough but I can prevail ............

Jersey Presentation

 

The Red Jersey looks good on Darryl Grant . You see he's flush with funds after we've all spent a fortune in his bike shop . Just to make sure he's got us all hooked , he joined us on the last day of the ride . I enjoyed riding with him ................ ( any chance of a discount ? )

The White Jersey for the MIW should be Gary Douglas ............( can I have next weekend off ? )

The Yellow Jersey is secure in John Campbell's grasp , he defended it well . Gue and I took turns in attacking him but he held on to retain his title and nickname . For those who don't know the yellow jersey is only for Flour MIll personnel ..........as usual my account number is in the office somewhere .

The Pink Jersey for the best rider has to be Mick Cain . Everyone likes to be associated with a winner and Mick is my new best mate .

The Multicoloured Polka Dot is still up in the air . Please nominate a rider in the comment section .

Some suggestions .

Cameron and Joseph

Paddy Gibson

Bill Peacock

Paddy Gibson's brother

Muffy

It might be your favourite rider or someone who helped you or someone who showed guts or dignity or grace under pressure . Someone who made you laugh or someone who made you angry . Anything really that grabs your fancy .........Have a crack !

Have A Laugh Mate ?

I seem to have lost my sense of humour recently , blogwise anyway . There is not that much to laugh about at the moment and that is reflected in the reduced humour in this category .

Shame really , but what can you do ?

It's hard to make jokes about redundancies , voluntary or otherwise , and I'm certainly not going to try .

In the wider world we have had bushfires , floods , shark attacks to go along with an economy getting worse by the day .

So the only laughs available , are the ones in the face of adversity . Gallows humour !

Nathan Rees .....

 

..........had better watch out because I fancy the top job in NSW . It's not looking good right now for the incumbent because of the massive hospital pass he has recieved . However as you can see I am ready to step in .

Not into the wheelchair , into the Legislative Assembly  !

Seriously though while I was visiting Macquarie St the other day , I got a heavy dose of state politics what with speeches from John Robertson and also Paul Gibson . 

I was expecting to not like Robertson mainly because Keating doesn't and Paul Keating is my political hero  . Robertson seemed OK and he has certainly worked hard in the right areas to get where he is . He is a typical example of an effective Unionist who ends up charging into government .

I rather like this and because I am now a delegate , i'll be ready to challenge Nathan Rees in a matter of weeks ......... To a bike race that is , because it seems he is a rider or used to be . He certainly won't have the time to ride at the moment so I'm a good chance . 

As for becoming Premier I might have to wait for Robertson and Della Bosca to duke it out . You see the problem with these guys is they all hate each other . I could bring some harmony and global mateship to the process !

So vote for me .I know how to abuse waiters and I can also fall asleep in Parliament with the best of them .

Gordon Lynch Mo-Man In White .

 

It's not really cheating because Gordon does work with us and besides anything goes when you're up against Party HQ .

Who Reads The Chaff ?

The Equal Opportunity contingent ( Alison and Margot ) have returned from their latest mission to Head Office in Auburn . Ostensibly they are there for EEO stuff but really they are working undercover for The Chaff .

One of their tasks was to get a photo of Head Office or someone from Head Office . Simple really , You would think that's an easy assignment  ?  But nooo ........ the girls had to complicate matters by actually asking whether they could do so .

I'm going to have to get some new agents .

In fact The Chaff drew a blank with the people in the room !

Here I was ... thinking that Dick would phone up his son John every morning demanding to know what the bastard on the Chaff had written that day  .  He actually doesn't know I exist ............. No wonder my adoption papers haven't come through .

While I was torturing Alison for more information , she let slip that she was interrogated about the blog and that the bloke asking the questions was not particularly impressed about it's existence ,

This wasn't good , pretty soon there would be Auburn heavies at my door . You know Mark Thompson and his mates . 

Please don't hurt me  !  Look that reference about Head Office being a Pretend Flour Mill was a joke , I thought it was funny at the time.......................

Impersonating John Campbell

I have previously mentioned the occasional situation where I have pretended to be John Campbell .

Restaurants are a good one , book under John's name get a good table , service etc . It started out as a joke but now I find it's quite an entertaining hobby .

For example highway patrol think I'm John Campbell so does my bank manager .

The problem is when someone knows the real John Campbell . That can be quite tricky but what I do is say .... Of course I'm John Campbell just not that ....John Campbell .  That seems to work .

The funny thing is that since I have become a bike rider , this phenomenen has only increased .

Whenever I ride out east of Orange , past the school and into the rolling hills , everyone starts waving at me . They think I'm John !!  He must live around there .

The fact I'm wearing last years MMRT jersey probably has something to do with it . Also the speed at which I'm riding . It makes identification difficult .

Yes We Can

America lives , they have elected an African American President , they account for 12.8% of the population . When you think about it , no other country in the world would that happen .

The United States today have made history and here is an excerpt of Barrack Obama's speech .

" My fellow Manildrans , join with me in saying God Bless Manildra . This victory belongs to you the workers . Many people have wondered whether Manildra would embrace change but today you have your answer . Yes We Can .

We are facing many challenges , financial crisis , planet in peril , many wars against other Mills . Life wasn't meant to be easy .......thanks Malcolm .........but I know together we can overcome these obstacles . Yes We Can .

The most pressing issue is of course the EBA and I promise you that you all our efforts will be going to get a deal to benefit the working man at Manildra . We will fix this up before we focus on the war in Iraq problem . Priorities are priorities . Yes We Can

There will be more smoko tables across the land  and increased shift allowances . Let us embrace salary sacrifice in amongst all our other sacrifices . Yes We Can !

And finally my fellow Manildran people let us embrace our history . Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for the Amusu theatre which is the best named establishment in Manildra as well as the oldest cinema establishment still operating in this galaxy .

Let us make the future amusing ( massive applause and lots of flag waving ) . Yes We Can ......"

Shifting Sands

 

I couldn't resist , somewhere between Tamworth and Armidale is this little gem . Irrefutable evidence of something I have long suspected . I had to take a photo .

The kids think I'm crazy anyway so they weren't too fazed when I stopped in the middle of nowhere and ran across the road to take this shot .

I've often wondered why I feel so strange going to Chiller's office . I might be in trouble or I might be asking for a raise , either way I have to go to Chillers . 

I would have all my arguments rehearsed , ready to go but for some reason once in there , a few words from John and I'm stumped already . The prepared arguments aren't working , Chiller's icy logic seems to be melting the floor I'm standing on . Like quicksand ....... Like a swamp ! 

Equal Opportunity

The equal opportunity lasses had their Sydney trip last week and guess what ? It's top secret . That's right the participants were sworn to secrecy . I am just dying to know . But Alison wouldn't crack , we tried waterboarding and everything but to no avail .

She's a hard nut to crack but she should realize that equal opportunity is for everyone not just females . It means Aborigines and other minority groups as well . We did get some information though , it appears other parts of Manildra Group are paid double what we get here at Manildra . This is dynamite information that we can use in the enterprise bargaining  but probably won't be accepted because this scoop was extracted by torture .

I reckon we are getting taken over by women . Look at the Gold Medals for Australia so far , they have all been won by the fairer sex . Not to mention the women who plan to take the Mill to Mill bike tour by storm and I'm sure they  will ( do I get brownie points for that ? ) .

Tracey has infiltrated The Men in White already , previously a bastion of Male testosterone . We now have plenty of females on the Packers . The only remaining Men's club is Packer 1 and even there the female cleaners have cunningly taken over the Packer when the boys are at Smoko .

The best example of a girl done good is Nerida Thompson who is the only female manager at the Mill . She has staunchly defended her turf and there are quite a few male carcasses buried underneath the Lab floor .

The Right Family .

All you bloggers who have followed The Chaff from the beginning will know of my efforts to join a prominent Manildra family .

Sadly I am still an orphan . There has been no contact from the Honan family and although I am disappointed , I am not entirely surprised .

.....The Reynolds are too risky , Sue might drug test me or make me blow in a breathalyzer .

The Dougos would rather shoot me and the Thompsons don't care .

I tried running but I soon realized I was never going to be a Fitzpatrick .  

So in desperation I have bought a bike and taken up cycling . I figure John Campbell needs a big brother influence in his life but how am I going to dispense brotherly advice if I am at the back of the Peloton and the Yellow Jersey is way out in front ?

I had more or less given up when one day something amazing happened . I was watching the news on TV . The station had crossed to the David Jones fashion shows and I was interested because one : I used to be in the rag trade and two : there was bound to be footage of Miranda Kerr .

I wasn't disappointed , the clothes were great , the models were spunky  - especially Miranda and now the camera was panning the crowd . Was there anyone I knew from years gone by  ?  I searched the crowd for a familiar face . Yes I now that bloke in the front row .....what's his name ? Oh yeah Kimbo !

Kimbo  !  Kimbo Smith !  I made a mental note to give up drinking and smoking because obviously I was losing my mind .

I looked again . Yes it was certainly him . What the hell was going on  ?  I felt as if I was in a parellel universe where my past and present had intersected .

Suddenly I remembered ...Kimbo was Miranda's uncle .  My god !  Suddenly my future was clear , I had found my family . My search was over .

I am Patrick Smith !

Ron Crago

Now I've been to a few of these meetings and this particular one was pretty low key until out of the corner of my eye I spied Ron Crago pulling up the workshop door . After a moment  Ron started to make his way down to the meeting . My pulse quickened . as far as I was concerned a Union meeting was not complete without Ron Crago and Glenn Deviegne sending Nigel Livingstone crazy . Glenn is no longer here but Ron was ambling down to make his presence felt .

Now Ron is old school and he didn't disappoint with pointed barbs at smokers , padding out of EBAs and the general gutlessness of the current workforce . Classic stuff , he wore a couple of jokes at his expense but certainly made an impact .... Those filthy smokers , I dunno !  

I started to feel better about waking up so early on my day off . That's entertainment !

Mully gets sent off

The amusing thing here is that as Greasy Gibson started to hit the ball up , Muldoon who was already in the bar drinking beer bellowed out "knock his head off" . Mully must have heard him because he proceeded to iron out Greasy with a high tackle and was promptly sent off .

Dingo Flour Colditz

Take a look at this . No doubt you saw my other piece on this Mill on the front page . When I lived in Fremantle I don't recall there being any barbed wire around this mill , I have no idea what happened , maybe people are stealing bags of Dingo flour . Can you imagine teams of thieves trying to steal our wholemeal self raising ?

The management ( Allied I think ) was asked on the internet why the need for barbed wire . The unlikely answer ?  The fence was required for HACCP purposes !  What ? 

 I'm glad we don't look like a jail although I think we need a Platypus sign as big as their Dingo one . Come on we can do better than Allied ........!

Creek Regeneration

It is great to see the beautification of the creek underway . I love the new yellow sculpture near the water . It really sets off the colours of the water and trees . It's kind of old industrial meets mother nature kind of thing  very groovy . It doesn't seem that long ago that Mills were using chlorine but nowadays of course it is quite redundant . They must have got an old canister from somewhere .......!

ManBot

It's not a bird . It's not a plane ........ It's ManBot . The prototype Manildra robot . The ultimate superhero completely constructed from all the good parts of various Manildra personnel . For example when making ManBot we took the best features from The Yellow Jersey like his leadership and leg muscles and left out the bad stuff like his temper and his abysmal joke telling ability .

We took Chiller's icy logic and discarded his Scrooge tendencies especially in regards to Xmas . Brendan Lea was instrumental in providing some humanity to the ManBot as was Fah . Tony was dissected for his organisational skill and his abilty to hang onto money .

We needed some mongrel and found plenty in the office . After they had their raw meat smoko we took what they had to offer . The Bot was nearly complete but we needed more . Some motivation from Muldoon , some ego from Ego !  Kevin supplied the intensity gene .

A robot needs the ability to switch from bad guy to good guy in the blink of an eye . A robot needs to keep his staff under control . Enter the Dougos .

The eventual Manbot would not be immune from having to do the hard yards so the premier packers were scoured for hard work tendencies . Many guys and gals from the packers contributed to the interface Bec Timmy Parker Benson .  

Surprisingly we were able to finish the prototype without genetic material from the workshop blokes except for actually building it of course .

The Manbot is an ongoing project so when new strains of excellence are unearthed , they are quickly uploaded into the ManBot . 

My idea is to use the ManBot to take on Dick Honan for the next enterprise bargaining agreement . Inflation is rampant , petrol is soon going to be ten bucks a litre . We need help .

The Union is OK but not really representative of us like the ManBot clearly is . After all our best qualities are what makes the Bot . So who better to negotiate the finer points of what we are worth ?

We need the ManBot to tell Dick that if he's prepared to donate to political parties than he can show us similar generosity . This might upset Dick , so it's best we are not there . The Bot can cop it instead .

But Dick can't hurt a robot right ? ManBot is not on the payroll he can't be fired . If Dick shoots him , no big deal , just replace a few circuits .

Let us know anything you think should be added to the Manbot before it is unleashed . I know it's not real but use your imagination .

Rate your Boss

Rate your Boss , manager ,supervisor , leading hand .... anybody with authority basically . Just for a laugh , woe betide anyone who takes this seriously . I mean everybody knows we don't take the piss out of our superiors . Perish the thought .

So here we go , remember tongue in cheek ! ( I know I keep repeating myself but my lawyers have insisted I stay out of trouble ) . ......But you know I just can't help myself , so here goes .

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You want holidays short notice and your boss/bosses roll their eyes and .......

1 quickly make sure it's possible and if not , do what they can to assist you in getting them .

2 curse and shout , inform you of your obligation to the team but end up giving them to you .

3 Fall about laughing , tell you that you are dreaming . Sarcastically ask if you would prefer to be casual . Insist that you perform a double backflip landing on your head before they then say no , not possible , such and such is already away .

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You rock up for work all cheerful and happy and your boss........

1 smiles and says hello , informs you quickly what's going on , cracks a joke and off you both go .

2 grunts something in response but cheers up as the day goes on even offering some overtime .

3 icily reminds you of your screw up last shift and would you mind tipping reject that day .

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Your representatives are negotiating with "the powers that be" in regard to the next enterprise bargaining agreement ..........

1 they readily agree to the asking rate , declare the next xmas party to be at the Intercontinental to make up for xmas parties lost and also give us four cases of beer for the same reason .

2 they fight tooth and nail for every dollar but not enough to cause too much resentment except for a slight decline in production which wipes out any savings made on the negotiations anyway .

3 they bring multiple reduncies the xmas before , a mercenary swat team to drive negotiations and everyone is so shit scared they accept anything .

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Your supervisor/manager/boss/chairman  observes you making a really dumb mistake , one you don't normally do ..........

1 They take the time to make sure you understand the error but in a kind way .

2 They make a joke that is funny to everyone else but not to you but you laugh anyway .

3 They make a hundred jokes then broadcast it over the p.a. system that they install just for the occasion .

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You are in a position of authority but the person above you is angry with you about something . Your crew is present .......

1  The super/man/woman/boss doesn't show his/her anger and waits till you are alone before unloading . It's then over .

2  The superboss explodes momentarily but quickly recovers and even apologizes . Then makes a joke .

3  The  supershitboss totally loses it , humiliates you in front of your crew or staff . It's never over .

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Some geezer starts a blog and in the process of trying to be funny manages to offend your section ....

1  Your Boss defends your department to the hilt . He even fights back .

2  Your Boss ignores it . Concentrates on eating his smoko or drinking his latte .

3  Your Boss loves the joke at the expense of his staff  and proceeds to comment ten times with funny anecdotes about the incompetence of his staff .

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You deserve a pay rise but Chillers is playing hard ball , your superior comes to Chillers office to ...

1....... sing your praises and argue in favour of your pay increase .

2...... discuss some other issue completely and when finished , leaves you alone to deal with Chillers .

3....... provide him with an in depth analysis of your shortcomings and a suggestion you might be better off at the Canola Mill .

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Now look at your scores .....lots of scores of one indicate you have that rare beast ....a decent boss.

Quite a few scores of two and your superior is just acceptable .

If your supershitboss only scores threes then you are in a living hell . Or you are a really bad employee !!!!!!!

Celebrity head

Paul Potter..................Lee Majors

Spence.......................Kenny

Geoff Grant.................Kevin Costner

Mark Brouff.................Raymond

Mel Shean...................Toni Collette

Chopper..................... Chris Read

Nev Atkinson...............Tommy Lee Jones

JIngles....................... Danny De Vito

Daniel Von Felten............The Red Baron

Simmo.........................Chris Handy

Adam Peebles................Bruce Lee

Tina Walker...................J-Lo

Rambo.........................Eddie Murphy

Gers...........................Henry Fonda

Doug Walker..................Ben Affleck

Fox............................Anthony Hopkins

Benson........................The Mad Professor

Robbo.........................Kurt Russell

Mark Cook.......................Robbie Waterhouse

Chris Gue.....................Eric Cantona

Nigel Troth...................Jeff Fenech

Mick Gibson .................Bruce Willis

Warwick Parker .............. Paul Hogan

Andrew Parker ...............Mark Riddell

Margot Gibson...............Demi Moore

Justin Packham..............David Beckham

Craig kapp....................Nacho Libre

Fah Talanoa ................ Edward Scissorhands .

Mustard.......................Gary MacDonald

Dot Thompson..........................Glenn Close

Henry Zarnow......................Michael Caton

Mick McCormick...............K-Fed

Scotty Wright................ Shane Warne

Bob Kizana....................Austin Powers

Tracy Packham..................Posh Spice

Alison McCormick...............Britney Spears

Jason Osbourne ............ Alan Border

John Campbell ..............Alberto Contador

Tim Fitzsimmons............Ratatoulli

Wilbur Brookes............ Ben Stiller

John Chillcot---------------Kevin Ruddock

Muldoon....................Anthony Mundine

Ben Allcorn.................Russell Crowe

Stan.........................Colombo

Tony Fitzpatrick...........Kenny Daglish

Brendan Lea..................Michael Parkinson

Fiona Whiley .................Joan Collins

Nerida Thompson ............Madonna

Kim Smith ....................Kyle Sandilands

Gary Douglas .................Gordon Tallis

Mark Egan ....................Osama Bin Laden

Rene Inuen.....................Dr Evil

Draino..........................Duece Bigalow

Gordon ........................Inspector Clouseau

Mick Douglas..................Fatty Vautin

Groover........................Bender

Johnny Galea ................Merv Hughes

Tracy Middleton............. Kath (n Kim)

Kurt Thompson...............Dorff Lundgren

Addo...........................Marco Materrazzi

Sue Reynolds.................Queen Latifah

Lionel Ellis.....................Strop

Scott Thornberry.............Willie Mason

Lucy Rodram..................Angelina Jolie

Sparrow ...................... Brad Pitt

Bruce Reynolds................Steve Martin

Mel Whiley ...................Anjelica Huston

Darren Nonnemacher...........Kramer

Nathan Eaglestone.......Adam Gilchrist

Mick Reynolds............Seth Rogen

Duncan Middleton........Steve Folkes

Rob Taylor................Dudley Moore

Al Saxelby ...............Paul Keating

kevin Saxelby............Bob Hawke

Kevin Speciality plant...Rodney Hogg

Fuzz......................Wayne Bennett

Matt Davis...............Harry Kewell

Kevin McManara........Billy Connolly

Steve Whiley............Boris Spassky

Brendan Nevard.........Brett Kimmorley

Glenn Linklater.........Bobby Fischer

Patrick Cost-Chretien.........well I'll leave that up to you !

Use the comment facility to give a couple of your versions . For those who haven't commented before just choose a name or use your own , then provide an email . Don't worry about the URL , leave it blank . Fill in the security code by copying the letters shown and just click . Due to some problems in the past , the comment comes through to me before it is published , so sometimes there is a small delay .                        

Untitled

I took this photo in Coonabarabran .

We were just passing through , worst luck , and I did have the family with me , so a quick photo and off we go . We were on our way to Rainbow beach for four days  and then Byron for four days and finally Moolalaba for the last four days .

There was a massive low off Fraser island so the weather was ferocious , non stop rain and no way across to Fraser . Byron would be better I thought . How wrong could I be , we were flooded in for two days , all the roads closed . Sunshine coast was better , but still wet so you get the picture of what kind of holiday I have just had .

I blame the office workers for sticking those pins into that figure they made . And did they have to burn effigies of me ? At the very least they have conspired with the weather gods . Let me tell you it didn't stop me getting into the ocean , after all swimming with sharks was easy compared to facing the wrath of The Office .

Next time I'm holidaying in Coona .

The Grass Cutter in action

Download IMGP2367.AVI  Have a look at this Mark . Your concern was spot on . The gentleman you refer to has been captured on video about to make his move . Watch his right hand .

Download IMGP2368.AVI Talk about mowing the lawn . He strikes , he scores !

Just remember everybody this a joke and Nerida and Fah are playing up for the camera .

Doing a Kimbo

Muldoon has said to me a couple of times that he wants to post his little anecdote about when I broke my leg . He hasn't done it yet and because my recollections differ from his , I'm going to gazump him !

Well we had just changed from eight hours to twelve and the lumping was tough . In the box were Chopper , myself and a couple of other guys . We only had an hour to go and we were trying to make each other laugh to make the time go quicker . Next bag I got , I did an impression of Kimbo , you know , the voice , the walk and I succesfully threw the the bag in the thirteenth row . As  I turned to exit the box , I've tripped backwards ending up on the floor with my right foot dangling in the air . Meanwhile the  bag I put up there , shoots out catching my foot and breaking my ankle . As I hollered and groaned , the boys all thought I was still channelling Kimbo and told me to get up . Only Chopper heard the break . I rolled off the train and limped towards Muldoon who took one look at me and told me to get back on . I insisted I couldn't . So I kept limping to the smoko room .

Nobody called an ambulance , you had to be tough in those days . I organised myself a lift and Muldoon kindly leant me his shoulder while I hopped to the car .

I was off for nearly two months and if Karma exists then Kimbo must have been punishing me for taking the piss .

Betting market

Here at the Chaff we have framed our first betting market on what is going to happen with our hoped for Xmas party

As yet there has been no notice in the smoko room with details of the Xmas party and speculation is rife ! What is going to happen .

Nothing . The management will ignore the whole issue ;;; Five dollars

They will turn it over to the experts at Party HQ ;;;;;;;;;;;Seven dollars fifty

The only party that happens is for Party HQ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;Eight dollars

Family day at the oval :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;Ten dollars

Revert back to old formula ( Bowlo) ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;fifteen dollars

Management sling a couple of grand to each section to organise their own party . However everyone is sworn to secrecy where insurance companies are concerned ;;;;;;  Eighteen dollars

Management pull out all the stops and fly us all out to Vegas ;;;;;Twenty five dollars

Management decide Vegas is too expensive and instead bus us all to Sydney to party in the City  ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;Thirty dollars

In desperation the staff undertake to ride their bikes to and from the party . John finally agrees as long as he wears the yellow jersey ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;Fifty dollars

Extract from Muldoon's diary

Ross Britt Artwork

Tammy Farrell

What's the first thing you think of when the subject of health and fitness comes up . Well I think of sex , you know am I healthy enough to have sex , am I fit enough to have sex . The healthier I am the better sex I have , the fitter etc .........!

Now I have come across the best work place training module that's ever been invented . Courtesy of the Sydney Morning Herald .It had a great front page article about the training that Hulga Mine in the Hunter Valley gets . Since the beginning of the year Tammy Farrell has been advising all the blokes at Hulga mine how to seduce their wives properly . That sounds brilliant .

What she is doing is giving information about foreplay and  menopause and other stuff .What makes women cranky and not in the mood ? Blokes can understand what's going on with women and so that they can better use techniques to get their spouses to have sex because according to the management there at Hulga " a sexless miner can get mighty grumpy and affect production ".  Extra virgin olive oil has neen mentioned in this toolbox course . I leave the rest to your imagination !

I must remember the next time that B mill goes down and I haven't fixed it in the appropriate time . I must remember to tell Mick Dougo that I haven't had a root for a few days and that's why B mill is not functioning properly .

King of all He surveys .

Who would that be ? Well Dick of course . You may not know this but Dick reads this blog all the time and he has asked me to find his A team to take to one of his other projects to show them how it's done . He knows we set the standard  , so he is going to airlift our finest into his latest warzone . To that end he has commisioned me to unearth the best of the best , the creme de la creme . The Manildra Magic !

I can't do this on my own so I need your help . Now remember you are doing this for Dick , he needs your feedback on who to take with him on his mission . His instructions were to only focus on shiftworkers because they were the heart and soul . He said don't worry about management they are ten a penny . Bring me the A Team shift .

So Best Sparky

2 : Best Fitter

3 : Best Lead Miller

4 : Best Site Supervisor

5 : Best Shift Miller

6 : Best Lab Technician

7 : Best Leading Hand

8 : Best Packer

O.K. So I lied about Dick reading the blog and all the rest --- but what the hell -- give us your A team !

Nicknames

GIVE ME A HANDO TO CLEAN THE DRAINO WITH THE SPONGY SHOUTED SQUAKKER . PACKO YOUR EGO AWAY SAID BERT . SHOW ME THE CASHO AND I"LL GROOVER RESPONDED NASTY . I'D RATHER COOKIE A BADGER AND ADDO SOME EGGO MUTTERED MR NOBODY .

Don't you just love monickers ? I wanted an O because that's the best but only Shanno calls me Paddo . Ego has managed to make Paddy Costa stick which I live with only because of the previously mangled interpretations of my name . Michael Douglas of Hollywood ( boy he can act ) , well we call him Dougo to bring him back to earth . When Groover's brother worked here , he was conveniently named Hoover . Chillers is aptly named .Is his office cold or what ?  I'm disappointed with Cambo though . I think we need a better nickname for John . I propose The Yellow Jersey . It has the required leadership connotations and it also has a dig at his bike riding . Tell us what you think bloggers , I reckon it's a goer .

Casho

How could I forget ?  I wrote the piece on lumping - If you can't lump .......? I listed the lumpers I could remember who still worked here . I missed Casho . How could I forget . We started at the mill on the very same day , on the very same shift ( night ) , we were sent to the very same place .

Yep that's right we were sent up to the blending tower . We had to make it sparkling , we were told . Take buckets and mops we were told ! Buckets and mops - well that meant  water and we dutifully applied ourselves to filling up several buckets of water and lugging them up the hundreds of stairs . Well what did we know ? We thought mops meant water , we had not yet come across the dry mop concept so we kept lugging buckets of water up the bloody stairs and trying to clean up the massive goo we had created . I leave the rest to your imagination .

The thing that gets me is that all the packers and supervisors downstairs watched us take these buckets of water up without ever saying a thing . They must have been pissing themselves laughing as soon as we got out of sight . Thanks Kimbo !

There was a happy ending because we managed to clean it and we were called in next day .The rest is history as they say .

The Family Mill

What are my kids doing in B mill ? I thought I'd start them on the hardest mill first , the other mills would then be easier to learn . I know what you're thinking , they are too young . Well what about Tiger Woods and Andre Agassi ? Their fathers didn't mess around . I need a headstart on all the other kids of employees who might be clamouring for jobs in six years time . I know how it works , we're the Family mill !!!

I'm from Malta which is 60 miles from Sicily so I totally understand " la Famiglia " way of doing things . If you know what I mean . In fact I've been searching for a family that can adopt me to be part of theirs . All mine are back in Malta and England and It would be great to be part of an Australian family . Not any old clan though, I would like to part of an  influential  family so I've devised a list to facillitate my goal .

The Honans________ One hurdle could be that I don't know them and they certainly don't know who I am but I am hopeful they'll read this blog and adopt me . I'm probably aiming a bit high here !

The Campbells _______a great Scottish Clan but JC does it all himself , no relatives who work at the mill. I don't fancy my chances . No yellow jersey for me ! (see Health and Fitness blog)

The Reynolds ________ They do know me but I'm not sure how they feel about that . I fancy Xmas at the Millhouse and a few beers with Mick , Bruce , Neville and Ty .Bust some moves on the lawn with Sue and Min . I'm not confident .

The Eggos ________ A definite possibility here , Gary has been very understanding to me a bit of a father figure . I get on well with Nathan Eggo and Justin Beckham (Men in White) and you wouldn't knock back Tracey Beckham and Karen Hilton as sisters would you ? I'm working on Denise as we speak .

The Dougos _____An another great Scottish Clan but I don't know if there are any sisters left for me to marry (and I am already married which may be a problem ) . The other thing is I'm much too sensitive to be a Dougo . They eat guys like me for breakfast .   

The Gibsons _____ This is coalface stuff , not for the faint hearted . The Gibsons are tough and like punching each other as entertainment .If I was part of the family I'd hang out with Margot and Naomi .

The Thompsons_________Don't ever upset Dot because her sons will sort you out big time . They are big tall and ugly and don't take any nonsense . I could do that Dot !!

The Cost-Chretiens _______The next generation . I've started them young ( they were doing a school project ) and it's all a joke anyway ! Don't tell Workcover .

Of course I know how to drive a forklift !

The blokes in the packers know I am an expert forklift driver but to become as good as I am you have to be able to survive the odd accident and I must admit I have had a couple in my time . The first one I remember was shortly after I returned from a broken ankle , so I couldn't lump and I was chucked on the fork . Kevin Saxelby was driving the truck and loading up palettes from the back of the packers , I had to load a few palettes for him but one was sticking out and while Kevin directed me I attempted  a complicated manouvre that ended with me putting the forks through the cabin of the truck . In the great tradition of buck passing , Kevin and I blamed each other but I still had to endure Neilly and Spleighty shouting at me for a full five minutes only a few inches from my face . If  I remember right it was Ger's truck . Sorry Gers .

The second incident occurred in pouring rain , we were moving the train down and we were using a huge platform that we took off and on by forklift . The platform was so heavy that sometimes the fork would pitch forwards so the supervisor of the day jumped on the back of my fork and urged me forward . The area was uncovered and cats and dogs were coming down , water everywhere , the super screamed at me to stop , I slammed on the brakes and watched while he flew over me as high as a bird . As he landed on the concrete , spreadeagled . I feared I had killed him . Thankfully he  started twitching after a minute . He was alive ! And relatively unharmed except for his pride .

The third mistake (I swear it was) happened while I was digging out some mixing plant additives with the fork and I bumped some palettes a bit too hard and they hit the palettes behind and so forth untill the wall at the end collapsed with a horrendous crash right behind Bobby Houlihan putting bags on Packer 2 . He screamed like a baby I gotta say . Call me Bobby !

As you can see I have come up through the ranks when it comes to forklift driving . That's what it takes to become as proficient as I am now on the fork . No laughing thanks . You think I am bad ? Well  I know of a far worse incident than any of mine but I can't tell you because he is a mate of time . You insist ? Well OK then ! To keep his identification secret we'll just call him Rotto . Well Rotto was driving the fork over at packer 3 and he was bored , so in between palettes he practised his full speed ahead sprints down the ramp . You know that ramp that they use for putting the palettes in the box . There were no boxes so the ramp was bored and needed some excitement so Rotto obliged . He reversed his fork up the ramp preparing for his record breaking run . Hang on he's gone a couple of inches too far and the weight of the fork has tilted the ramp up , right up , nearly 45% . Rotto swore later that his life flashed before his eyes and he thanked all the gods when the ramp tilted forward crashing to the ground creating a bang that was heard from all around . I was at the smoko table across the road and I certainly heard it .

Rotto grabs first prize in the best forklift accidents category . I tried but I wasn't good enough .

If you can't lump .............!

Many of you reading this now will recognize the title of this post . If you can't lump ..........! It will have brought menories flooding back . It was our catchcry , used jokingly but sometimes also seriously . A few years have passed and it seems an age ago that we would board the train and lump the 440 bags into the container . 50 kg bags that is . 20 containers a shift . Four blokes on the train , two guys sewing and putting bags on . Rotate after each box . If you couldn't sew or were slow putting bags on then you stayed on the train . So of course new guys of which there were plenty would have to lump non stop . You do the maths .

Suffice to say that the attrition rate was huge . I remember first going into Employment National to enquire about the details , I couldn't quite believe what the girl in there was saying . 50kg bags ! You have got to be joking ? No she wasn't joking and furthermore she went on to say that it didn't matter how big you were , it was the size of your heart that was key . Unfortunately my wife was with me and she confidently informed the girl that her husband had plenty of heart . I looked at her aghast , perhaps I shouldn't have lied to her about playing for the Maltese All Blacks .

At any rate next night I had to front and it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life . I felt as if God had sent me here to pay for all my sins (there were a few) . The first two weeks were intense but after that it was OK and it wouldn't be stretching it to say that sometimes it was a great laugh . As long as the boxes were punched out , you could have some fun too .

There were a number of stunts you could pull and I recall Ty Malone was really good at sending bags down the line that were not what they seemed . He would fill a bag with air and other light stuff that looked normal except when the lumper tried to swivel it off the ramp expecting 50 kg he would instead find no resistance and sometimes would end up on his arse . Other times Ty Malone would overfill a bag so that the expectant lumper would then recieve 80kg instead of 50 . Ty would dash up the line to see which unfortunate lumper would cop the beast .

Some other highlights ....add some of your own !

Scariest moments .........runaway train zooming down the track !

Funniest moments ....... Muldoon throws Deviegne's cap on top of the box . Glenn gets ladder and climbs up to retrieve it . Muldoon removes ladder and Glenn is stranded . Stays up there for half an hour until rescued by Neilly . You had to be there .

Funniest double act........ Bert and Ben Duffy . Non stop banter and wit .

Worst double act ........Cookie and Whitney . Non stop pranks with frequent disappearing  acts .

Best Lumper .......Ego is not a dirty word !Ego !

Best lumping  supervisors ....... Nigel Troth and Muldoon .

Worst lumping supervisors........ Nigel Troth and Muldoon .

All you lumpers still working at the mill , come on and leave a comment !

HandoSpenceTimmySmileyHaslerHarryFahChopperKeltonNevDoonPaddyEgoKurtCookieCedarMaxiScotty

Anybody I missed ?

Special mention to Pete Townsend and Joey Kinnane who I lumped with on my first couple of days they were very understanding and patiently explained that it was easier to carry the bags if I wasn't on my hands and knees .

doing the chaff

The Millhouse Roos

The Millhouse Roos are an imaginary footy team representing MFM .

Just imagine for a moment playing other teams like Westons and Goodman Fielder or Allied .

In reality we do compete against these companies out there in the marketplace . It follows we need to

have a good team . So here is ours , tongue in cheek , bit of fun ....... get the picture ?

Owner is of course Dick Honan........has so many teams it's a wonder he sleeps at night . On second thoughts he probably doesn't .

Coach John Campbell ........ the results are on the board , The MIllhouse Roos kick ass and the coach must take the credit . He's so good he can coach the team from Indonesia or from the saddle of a bike .

Halfback Tony Fitzpatrick............cool under pressure , well organised . Doesn't swear enough needs more mongrel but guides the team around the park very well .

Five eighth  Mick Gibson..........One of the most valuable players in the team , when he is on he lights up the joint . Not as tough as his brother but more intelligent .

Inside Centre  Daniel Von Felten........A lot of pressure on Daniel being the overseas player especially being the replacement for the much loved Klaus but he has done a good job without throwing his weight around .

Outside Centre Draino .........simply the best nickname ever ( Spongy a close second )

Left wing  Duncan Middleton ........ a workhorse , everyteam needs one , cleans up the mess the fancypant player leaves behind .

Right Wing Addo ......... when called on , gets the job done , a good attitude but relaxed with it , a vital member of Party Hq .

Fullback Gary Eaglestone .......the best fullback in the business , We love him so much (he is the paymaster after all !)

Lock       Kim Smith is the ideal link man between forwards and backs because he is bigger than all of them and that's good enough for us .

back Row Chris Gue ...........hard working , cutback king and best clean up guy in the business , plays too fair needs to improve high tackles and eye gouging technique .

Back Row Mark Egan........ Plays dirty ..you might think you're having a joke at training and then he decks you ........I'm scared of him .

Second Row ....Bec is tough as nails and tears blokes apart ....and that's just at the pub .

Second Row ........Mick Douglas is a tough pig farmer with a fiery temper so the original comment that was here has been deleted . So I'm a coward ! Sue me .

Front Row ..........Muldoon... brought back home at great expense , even his son Joseph has been promised a job when he's old enough . Has ruffled feathers since his return but shows great enthusiasm.

Hooker and Dummy half........Nerida Thompson..........No Nerida not that sort of hooker !

Front Row.... Keith Cox.........been around forever, knows all the tricks of the scrum . Fondly remembers contested scrums .

INTERCHANGE

Gary Douglas ...... The swinging arm , the head high , the facial  into the turf .........Gary does it all and then monitors his share and property portfolio at half time .

Fah Talanoa........A humanitarium and an enforcer . Westons won't like him coming off the bench

Groover.......The enigma ! Capable of genius plays but forgets he's not with Party HQ .

Kevin special plant ............The original mongrel , gets a spot coz he has plenty of mongrel .

The Scottish Invaders

Tony Fitzpatrick is our first suspect ! He's got a broad Scottish accent , supports Hibernian and eats haggis for smoko . He's most certainly a Scot . Delve a bit deeper and he's not the only one . That's right folks we have other kilted madmen in our midst and the bad news is that it goes right to the top . Judging from his surname John Campbell is descended from one of the three major clans of Campbells a famous Scottish name . In fact they have a soup named after them .

You might think it ends there but no , the Douglas brothers (the three of them) are partof the massive Douglas clan , direct descendants of the " Good Sir James Douglas " .This man is considered the third of Scotlands finest patriots after Bruce and William Wallace (Braveheart) .

So there you have it ! We are being ruled by Bloody Scots .The men in white can consider themselves the hardest done by !Why ? Well John is our boss , Tony is our boss , The Dougos (the three of them ) are also our bosses . So the Scottish influence is quite strong in the milling dept .

To top it all off , it has come to light that the Gibsons are also from Scottish descent which begs the question . What has Manildra done to deserve this ?

In conclusion .....all of the above should remember that this article is in the " have a laugh "section of The Chaff  and is therefore lighthearted  and humorous . If you are not amused then you are unAustralian or Scottish !